We all have what I’d like to refer to as a “Dating Lane.”
Meaning: if you want a FWB (Friends With Benefits) situation….date other people
who want FWB too. We as individuals should know what “season” we are in at all
times, and be frank about it. Typically as we age, we generally date more with a
purpose than just to be dating!
But ladies, understand this: if you expect a guy to only have sex with you, only talk
to you, only go on dates with you, ONLY be “exclusive” with you, and the two of
you haven’t mutually agreed…………..you’re fooling yourself.
Black women face unique issues that are in far more serious shape than any other
race of women on the planet. The problem is: every attempt at having a serious
discussion of this issue is met with non-stop deflections and arguments, even into
the absurd. They now call any attempt to discuss the problems “bashing” or
“hating”, but the world sees these things for what they are.
When you date outside of your Dating Lane, you’ll always have to compromise.
Someone has to conform. You want a relationship – but you’re dating someone
who doesn’t. You start having sex and spending time together for months. But
still no relationship.
Because, one of you is already getting what they want – a bond without a title.
You want two different things. You want a commitment, and he doesn’t. The only
thing you two agree on….is sex. So: you BOTH keep having it. You're having sex
with a man who you KNOW doesn’t want a relationship. He’s having sex with a
woman he KNOWS wants a relationship.
You both lie!
He keeps you around by giving you hope for the future. You keep him around,
“pretending to be cool” with being only FWB.
You BOTH won’t leave each other alone.
And when all is said and done: you simply can’t make people reciprocate what
they just don’t feel. Don’t take something that’s clear as crystal, and turn it into a
calculus equation. If you keep catching the same kinda fish, it’s NOT the fish, it’s
the bait! Like a magnet, your attitude attracts and says a whole lot about you.
Yes. It hurts like hell when you’ve entrusted your soul, mind & body to
someone….and they don’t regard it with the same value you do.
So how can you put yourself into a “winning scenario” with a man? You can start
by asking some very key questions:
What type of relationship does he have with his Dad?
As a rule: most males have a mother that holds them in high esteem, often to the
detriment of black men. They unfairly shield them from life’s blows, and allow
them to be emotionally castrated. Only a father can produce an actualized, full-
fledged embodiment of what manhood should look like.
Would he be cool in having sex without a commitment (i.e., FWB)?
Crucial question to ask. It speaks to his mindset, and provides a window into how
he currently views opposite sex relationships.
Does he genuinely respect women?
This pretty much speaks for itself. Women should have a level of respect they
bring to the table themselves. However: if he shows flashes of disrespect towards
women (referring to them in a negative fashion, stating the harm he could cause
if provoked, etc) that may be a sign to run for the hills.
What’s his HIV status – and when was he last tested for all STD’s?
Knowing the extended incubation period – a person can be a carrier of many
sexual transmitted diseases for years. A simple test on a guy ninety days back
does not give the green light that everything is okay. Go with him together and
get your results. (SIDENOTE: women in particular love to act like sex isn’t a major
thing to discuss. Like it’s optional. It simply is not. You have the ABSOLUTE RIGHT
to know if a man is sexually involved with someone else. It really is as easy as a
Has he cheated in the past?
Let’s be fair: we’ve all got a skeleton or two we’re embarrassed about. Nothing
wrong with that. But you need to know was his infidelity “a blip on the radar” –
or is it his way of life? It’s imperative that you see clear, tangible evidence that
he’s righted the ship.
Does he have a candle in the window (re: unresolved feelings) for anyone else?
Many individuals have called themselves “needing to get closure” from a situation
– only to return to their ex after swearing on Bibles ten feet high that there were
zero feelings. Be aware of what level of friendship they currently have with the
people they dated.
What happens when he’s moody, mad, or sad?
Mental health is very, very real. An individual that appears stable can blow their
stack if provoked – or not provoked. How a person responds when they don’t get
their way tells you a lot about them. Know what triggers set him off – and act
Is he 100% single?
Men know how to acquiesce for the right relationship. (Don’t let em tell you they
can’t). But more often than not: as soon as they hear the clanging of those cell
keys and see the door start to inch shut, they’ll start a full sprint to anywhere but
Lockdown. This has little to do with you and everything to do with him, Ladies.
Also – you need to find out just how deep is his Virtual Bench Of Women. Men
like to dance around this question, and are very much known for “having a
conversation without having a conversation.” I’ve always told women that men
give answers according to how you ask the questions. So be smart!
Like life in general: a relationship has many “we sail on” days. You have to learn
to find the thrill in the normal everyday of it. If you depend on wild romance, all
night sex, romantic cruises, wild parties, tempestuous fights – and then make up
sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to find the thrill
in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute
babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living &
building together. If you’re not ready to leave center stage and allow someone
else to become your focus, your study, your muse…..don’t get in a relationship. If
you’re not ready to delay gratification when you’re angry, to hold your tongue,
lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month
before you can deal with an issue thoroughly…. don’t get into a relationship.
Your life and where you are is a reflection of you. This is why I teach women how
to attract love by getting “relationship ready”. If they change their thoughts, they
will change the world around them…