“GET INTO HIS HEAD BEFORE YOU HOP INTO THE BED!” by Blair Nash

Columbus BlackBlair Nash, Blog Series Vol. 1

We all have what I’d like to refer to as a “Dating Lane.”

 

Meaning: if you want a FWB (Friends With Benefits) situation….date other people

who want FWB too. We as individuals should know what “season” we are in at all

times, and be frank about it. Typically as we age, we generally date more with a

purpose than just to be dating!

 

But ladies, understand this: if you expect a guy to only have sex with you, only talk

to you, only go on dates with you, ONLY be “exclusive” with you, and the two of

you haven’t mutually agreed…………..you’re fooling yourself.

 

Black women face unique issues that are in far more serious shape than any other

race of women on the planet. The problem is: every attempt at having a serious

discussion of this issue is met with non-stop deflections and arguments, even into

the absurd. They now call any attempt to discuss the problems “bashing” or

“hating”, but the world sees these things for what they are.

 

When you date outside of your Dating Lane, you’ll always have to compromise.

Someone has to conform. You want a relationship – but you’re dating someone

who doesn’t. You start having sex and spending time together for months. But

still no relationship.

 

Why?

 

Because, one of you is already getting what they want – a bond without a title.

You want two different things. You want a commitment, and he doesn’t. The only

thing you two agree on….is sex. So: you BOTH keep having it. You're having sex

with a man who you KNOW doesn’t want a relationship. He’s having sex with a

woman he KNOWS wants a relationship.

 

You both lie!

 

He keeps you around by giving you hope for the future. You keep him around,

“pretending to be cool” with being only FWB.

 

You BOTH won’t leave each other alone.

 

And when all is said and done: you simply can’t make people reciprocate what

they just don’t feel. Don’t take something that’s clear as crystal, and turn it into a

calculus equation. If you keep catching the same kinda fish, it’s NOT the fish, it’s

the bait! Like a magnet, your attitude attracts and says a whole lot about you.

Yes. It hurts like hell when you’ve entrusted your soul, mind & body to

someone….and they don’t regard it with the same value you do.

 

So how can you put yourself into a “winning scenario” with a man? You can start

by asking some very key questions:

 

What type of relationship does he have with his Dad?

As a rule: most males have a mother that holds them in high esteem, often to the

detriment of black men. They unfairly shield them from life’s blows, and allow

them to be emotionally castrated. Only a father can produce an actualized, full-

fledged embodiment of what manhood should look like.

 

Would he be cool in having sex without a commitment (i.e., FWB)?

Crucial question to ask. It speaks to his mindset, and provides a window into how

he currently views opposite sex relationships.

 

Does he genuinely respect women?

This pretty much speaks for itself. Women should have a level of respect they

bring to the table themselves. However: if he shows flashes of disrespect towards

women (referring to them in a negative fashion, stating the harm he could cause

if provoked, etc) that may be a sign to run for the hills.

 

What’s his HIV status – and when was he last tested for all STD’s?

Knowing the extended incubation period – a person can be a carrier of many

sexual transmitted diseases for years. A simple test on a guy ninety days back

does not give the green light that everything is okay. Go with him together and

get your results. (SIDENOTE: women in particular love to act like sex isn’t a major

thing to discuss. Like it’s optional. It simply is not. You have the ABSOLUTE RIGHT

to know if a man is sexually involved with someone else. It really is as easy as a

conversation.

 

Has he cheated in the past?

Let’s be fair: we’ve all got a skeleton or two we’re embarrassed about. Nothing

wrong with that. But you need to know was his infidelity “a blip on the radar” –

or is it his way of life? It’s imperative that you see clear, tangible evidence that

he’s righted the ship.

Does he have a candle in the window (re: unresolved feelings) for anyone else?

Many individuals have called themselves “needing to get closure” from a situation

– only to return to their ex after swearing on Bibles ten feet high that there were

zero feelings. Be aware of what level of friendship they currently have with the

people they dated.

 

What happens when he’s moody, mad, or sad?

Mental health is very, very real. An individual that appears stable can blow their

stack if provoked – or not provoked. How a person responds when they don’t get

their way tells you a lot about them. Know what triggers set him off – and act

accordingly.

 

Is he 100% single?

Men know how to acquiesce for the right relationship. (Don’t let em tell you they

can’t). But more often than not: as soon as they hear the clanging of those cell

keys and see the door start to inch shut, they’ll start a full sprint to anywhere but

Lockdown. This has little to do with you and everything to do with him, Ladies.

Also – you need to find out just how deep is his Virtual Bench Of Women. Men

like to dance around this question, and are very much known for “having a

conversation without having a conversation.” I’ve always told women that men

give answers according to how you ask the questions. So be smart!

 

Like life in general: a relationship has many “we sail on” days. You have to learn

to find the thrill in the normal everyday of it. If you depend on wild romance, all

night sex, romantic cruises, wild parties, tempestuous fights – and then make up

sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to find the thrill

in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute

babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living &

building together. If you’re not ready to leave center stage and allow someone

else to become your focus, your study, your muse…..don’t get in a relationship. If

you’re not ready to delay gratification when you’re angry, to hold your tongue,

lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month

before you can deal with an issue thoroughly…. don’t get into a relationship.

Your life and where you are is a reflection of you. This is why I teach women how

to attract love by getting “relationship ready”. If they change their thoughts, they

will change the world around them…

 

GUARANTEED!! ~bn~